Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You were trust falling into bushes
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
