the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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