I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
