Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
