Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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