if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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