You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
