I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i drank out of a bidet.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
