I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
So much rum. So many feels.
I need a beard to bite.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
