From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
