Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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