you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
