I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
