he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
