i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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