I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
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90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
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Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?