I'm sorry my penis didn't work
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
