i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?