You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.