Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
