I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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