I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
