I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
