I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
