he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
