his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
