New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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