New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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