I am puke
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
