Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
