Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
