Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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