Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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