Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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