i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
They took my balls.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
