I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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