afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
