it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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