just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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