So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
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I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
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I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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