I don't usually arrange sex via text message
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
