There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
