You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
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There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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