I hope mine doesn't look like that
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
