I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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