I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I FOUND THE LEGS
Randomize
