You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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