I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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