I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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