I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
