he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
