My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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