i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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