When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
