Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
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Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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