Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
