he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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