Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
false alarm, still single
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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