the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
