Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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