Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
