Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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