it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
